It Happened One Night...

Friday night Jonathan and I decided that instead of our usual Friday night routine (eat dinner, mill around about what we're going to do, go visit Ang & Guta, and end up watching a movie) we were going to go to the Orem Recreation Center and shoot some baskets. Sounds harmless enough, right? Oh, so wrong...

So Jonathan and I shoot around for a while, and then we play one on one and he wastes me (I blame the no traction on my shoes and the fact that I am slower than him and he is tall and...okay, fine. I used to be good at one point. Unfortunately, my skills are rusty, except for shooting and passing, which is useless in one on one). Anyways...after we finished he went to go get a drink and I just kept shooting baskets. I see Jonathan come back into the gym and sit down next to this guy and start talking. I'm fine on my own, until I see this man making his way towards me. The conversation went something like this...

Creepster: "Want to play a game of horse?" 

Me: "Oh, um, no. I really can't. I'm leaving soon."

Creepster: "Yeah, you'd probably waste me anyway."

Brain: *This is true...*

Creepster picks up my ball and starts shooting with it. Um...okay. So I let him, and we start shooting around. Keep in mind, this is open gym. A full-court game is going on the court next to us, and a bunch of kids are at the other hoop. I'm all alone at mine. Easy target, I know. Let me also explain...Creepster is a rather large man. Probably in his 30s. Glasses. Balding. And his arm is deformed. Deformed! So I'm trying to be nice to this guy. He's probably just lonely and wants a friend. Continuing on...Creepster starts making small talk.

Creepster: "So where are you from?"

Me : "Oh, I'm originally from Boise."

Creepster: "Oh cool. I have a friend in Pocatello. Beautiful country up there.  I just drove through Boise on my way to Jackson Hole."

Brain: *Really? Kind of out of your way...this guy has no idea where Boise is...* 

Me: "Pocatello is pretty far from Boise."

Shooting some more...

Creepster: "Are you a softball or a volleyball player?"

Me: "Oh, um volleyball."

Creepster: "I thought so. I'm a personal trainer and I know your build."

Brain: *No way in heck are you a personal trainer. I'm not that dumb.*

Creepster: (walks over to me) "What kind of earrings are those? 1/2 carat?" (touches my ear)

Brain: *Holy crap! Don't touch me!* 

Me: (walking backwards) "I don't really know."

Shooting still...

Creepster: "So what are you doing here in Utah? Modeling?"

Me: "No, just going to school."

Creepster: "You should get an agent. You'd be an awesome model."

Brain: *Jessica! He's hitting on you! Can you believe it? Who does this guy think he is? Get Jonathan over here...(arm makes motioning movements to Jonathan which he either ignores or doesn't see)*

Creepster: "What kind of food do you like?"

Brain: *Tell him you don't like food!*

Me: "Eh...Italian I guess."

Brain: *Idiot...*

Creepster: "Oh, I'm like a culinary genius. And my specialty is Italian. I once got in to the 2nd best culinary arts school in the world. But I turned them down, because 'why would I want to cook for anyone else or have anyone else tell me how to cook?' I could probably teach that class better than they could."

Brain: *Yeah, I bet you could...*

Creepster: "Look, I'm only going to be here for another week, and then I'll be gone for 4 months. Before I leave, I have to take you out."

Brain: *Perfect opportunity to tell him the most obvious answer...I'M MARRIED!!!*

Me: "No, I'm sorry, that's not going to happen. My boyfriend wouldn't like that very much." 

Brain: *WHAT?!? Your BOYFRIEND! Are you stupid!?!*

Me: "Yes."

Creepster: "What?" 

Me: "Oh, nothing."

Creepster: "What if I make you a deal. If I can shoot a free throw with my eyes closed and make it, will you go out with me?"

Brain: *Maybe when he** freezes over. And even then, no.*

Me: "Nope, even then. I still won't. I'm sorry."

Creepster: "Even then? Man, you must really like this guy."

Brain: *Yeah, so much that you MARRIED him.*

Me: "Yeah, I really do."

Creepster: "Okay then." (shakes my hand) "It was nice to meet you. And those were all genuine compliments."

Brain: *Yeah, cause you wanted to flatter me so I would go out with you. Too bad you never had even a sliver of a chance.*

Me: "You too. Bye."

So I watch him walk out of the gym. I grab my stuff, run over to Jonathan, and tell him what just happened.

Me: "In-credible. I can't believe you just let that happen. That guy was freakin' hitting on me the whole time!!!"

Jonathan: (Laughs. In my face.) "What? Why didn't you tell him you were married?"

Brain: *Yeah, stupid. (Mumbles something incoherent...)*

Me: "I don't know?!? My brain freezes when that happens! 

Brain: *Whatever!*

Me: "I did tell him I had a boyfriend though..."

Jonathan: "Thanks...wait, what? Are you retarded?"

Me: "I don't know, I was trying to be nice! I know, I'm stupid."

Jonathan: "Jessica, you don't have to be nice to people like that."

Brain: *REVELATION! What? I don't? Wish we knew that 5 minutes ago...*

Me: "Thank you. I'll remember that for the next time some big balding deformed nearsighted creepster hits on me."

Jonathan: (Laughs. Again.)

MORAL OF THE STORY: If Jessica is ever being hit on, Jonathan should just come over and save her, as she can obviously not come up with the most obvious answer that she's MARRIED! 

The End.

PS - If you want to see what he looked like, go HERE.